When we first become aware of the world around us at ages three and four, we take it for granted that our parents have everything under control. The idea that our parents might have shortcomings or struggles is the farthest thing from our minds. Even in households with turmoil, children of this age have an unwavering trust that their parents know best and will always act in their best interest.
During early childhood, up until about five years old, we accept the world as a fundamentally good place, regardless of the circumstances. However, as we approach our pre-teen and teenage years, we start to scrutinize life more critically. We begin to see our parents through new eyes and often become rebellious, questioning their decisions and authority. I remember feeling resentful towards my mother during those years because of my parent's divorce. I foolishly thought that if my father had stayed, our lives would have been better. At times, I even wished I was with him instead of my mother.
In my ignorance, I didn't understand the hardships my mother endured. She was the second youngest of four, with a father who was rarely home. My cousin told of the many times he and his father, my mom’s oldest brother, would search from farm to farm looking for our grandfather in the 1930s and 40s. At eight years old, my mother lost her mother, and the siblings were separated. She had to live with strangers and, due to conflicts in that household, she moved out and started working at twelve. Her father remarried but did not take the children, so she grew up without loving parents. My father, on the other hand, was a mama’s boy, full of empty promises. Meeting his second family later on, I became grateful for my mother’s decision to keep him out of my life.
It wasn't until my twenties, when I began experiencing the real world, that I truly appreciated my mother. I saw how tough life was for adults, and those who had more money, lacked the values. I started to value the lessons she taught me, realizing that the morals she lived by were far more important than the money we didn't have. She taught me the importance of trusting in a higher power and being of value to others. This gave me a sense of purpose that made my adult struggles worthwhile.
As a parent now, I see in my own children the expectation that parents should give endlessly, often without appreciation for the parents’ struggles. The daily efforts to make ends meet are immense, and some manage better than others, not because of weakness, but because of the challenges they face. I believe children should be entrusted with the truth. Early on, I had to pay the rent because my mom had to work. Out of her R40 weekly pay, R23 went to rent. When our electricity was cut, I wasn’t surprised because she had to make tough choices with the remaining R17.
Parents don’t always have their lives perfectly organized. They are just people, facing life’s difficulties while also managing their children’s needs. It’s a pity that most of us don’t realize the sacrifices our parents make until we are parents ourselves. If we had understood this earlier, perhaps we could have avoided many regrets about how we treated them during our pre-teen and teenage years.