The title of this piece refers to the “modern man,” but my point of view comes from my background as a modern South African coloured male. At my age, I’ve had the chance to observe how boys grow into men. I’m convinced that our unconscious observations of our surroundings as children profoundly shape who we become as adults.

I grew up navigating two distinct environments, forming friendships in both. Within these broader spaces were smaller micro-environments shaped by individual households. On one side, there were boys from white neighborhoods, and on the other, boys from our coloured areas. Despite the stark racial and socio-political divides of apartheid, there were striking similarities across these communities.

Regardless of race, a household's financial stability—or lack thereof—visibly influenced its dynamics. Substance abuse was another powerful force that transcended racial boundaries. However, the role parents played in the household was the most crucial factor shaping the boys who would become men.

Reflecting on Southern African history helps explain why young coloured men are the way they are today. I’m part of Generation X, born between the mid-1960s and early 1980s. Our upbringing was shaped by the socio-economic and cultural forces of the time. But to truly understand, we need to go further back.

Looking back 100 years before my birth, South Africa’s trajectory was profoundly altered by the discovery of gold in 1886, the devastation of the Boer War, and the establishment of the Union of South Africa in 1910. The apartheid system, implemented shortly after, was designed to exclude non-whites from economic and political power.

Under the Apartheid, Race Classification Act of 1950, “coloured” became an official identity assigned to people who didn’t fit neatly into the categories of “native” (Black African) or “white.” This forcibly labeled a diverse group into a single identity, stripping them of their individual histories and leaving them without a unified sense of purpose or power.

The coloured man faces the unique challenge of a fragmented identity. Unlike Black Africans, who could draw strength from a shared history predating colonization. While the white community had a purpose for coming to South Africa and their struggle to make things work, the coloured communities were left adrift. Apartheid ingrained the idea that coloured people had no history, no identity, and should rely on the white man for their future.

This lack of identity translated into a lack of purpose, which is fundamental to a community’s collective aspiration. However, even among white and Black African communities—despite their stronger cultural identities—not all men embodied the qualities of leadership and responsibility, and they too faced challenges around modern manhood.

For coloured men, Apartheid’s labor policies ensured they rarely occupied leadership roles, either in the workplace or the community. While Black African men had their traditional clan structures with community leaders, and white men had access to top-tier positions in the work place, coloured men were largely confined to general labour. This lack of leadership opportunities diminished their sense of purpose.

Coloured women, meanwhile, held leadership roles within their households. They managed the home, raised the children, and demanded more from their men. Boys growing up in these environments saw their fathers either absent, compliant to their mothers, or, in many cases, coping with feelings of inadequacy through substance abuse.

In my youth, it was common to see older coloured men first stopping at bars after work, coming home drunk, and either becoming violent or too incapacitated to engage meaningfully with their families. I witnessed younger men repeating this pattern, often fueled by substance abuse and violent tendencies. This placed even greater responsibility on women, who had to step in as both providers and caregivers.

Over time, this dynamic created a cycle. Young boys, growing up without strong male role models, observed fathers who lacked purpose and mothers who carried the household. As these boys grew into men, they emulated the only example they knew, becoming emotionally dependent on their wives while shirking leadership and parental responsibilities.

Today, many men expect to be taken care of as their mothers once did, leaving women to shoulder the burden of both household management and external work. But with modern women balancing full-time jobs and family responsibilities, the cracks in this dynamic have widened, and boys are left without adequate parental attention.

The result is a generation of boys growing up without positive examples of male leadership. This is a call to action: Men must take an active role in their children’s lives, particularly their sons, to model what leadership and responsibility look like. Without this, the cycle will continue, and future generations will struggle to break free from these patterns.